WOW!!!! GRABEH KA IRONIC... What a life..i thought i am ok already as i knw from myself but yet Im not ok. Wow grabeh but anyway life must go on. I'm happy that this time has come..bago mahuli ang lahat. Thank you and I Thanks God sincerely for this moment has come. God knows who really i am and I lift up everything to him...i know whatever is it he will make away...either to heal or to move on...

Hi, I know that sometimes what happened will flashback in your mind for sure because that’s what happened to me and as we knew we have same feelings even before. I’m glad that we have come up to this feelings that even me I can’t explain why it happened but the best thing for me is I experience the real feeling, the gentleness and the tenderness of your care as it reaches in the hypothalamus. The happiness that I’ve never experience before and real love that nothing can compare and it cannot be explained. How I wish I could be at your side and still hoping that I will end up my journey with you and wake up one morning with you in my side. But I knew those are just a dream. Just wait me in Singapore, hehehe…joke lang. Those memories that cannot be forgotten even I’ve done so many things for me to be ok, I thought I did it well. I thought I can forget you or maybe not to forget you but to forget the feelings that I have for you. I have so many hesitations before to communicate with you or even to see you because I am not free anymore and I am afraid if the feelings will grow. But as I hesitate and force myself not to, it draws me more nearer with you; though we are very far from each other that love grows deeper and deeper. I know you have hesitations too coz I can feel it. We did not nurture that Love which in fact it is a torture to us. But what can we do? I cried so much again as I went home. Sorry because I am about to flare-up I cannot drive back to my house. I stayed there quite some time and regain my energy. The following day early in the morning I leave a message to you coz my heart really ached and it numbs again so painful but as I leave you the message I felt relieve a little bit; days goes on and I live in a normal life again. Life must go on as I said to myself… trying to convince myself that I am okay that everything is okay. But really God answered the calmness of my heart. Don’t be bothered of what had happened just leave it in your memory that one day you have me. You can go on as what you’ve said you will move – on and don’t make me as a hindrance of your dreams to have your own family. Though it hurts but I can be happy seeing you’re okay. Now, I realize that we cannot be as simple as a friend. Your presence makes me happy even just by holding my hands secretly and how much if we could display those love, affection and care. How I wish you could teach me to do firing at that moment I knew we tried to avoid drawing near with each other because for sure people around will notice the sweetness that we can be. I agree with you now that we cannot be in one place as I convince you to stay. Proceed to Singapore just wait me there ahaha… in my dreams. Who knows what if I can go there. Well, just go ahead basta I Love you so much from the bottom of my heart hypothalamus. Wala lang, is just that nothing can compare to the happiness I feel when I’m with you. Lastly, I would like to request and remember this is a request. Please we will not go back to the way we are before as we agreed. Just take everything as normal. Just pretend that nothing had happened. Ok rako…basin ma bothered ka… We will just leave it on the air…life must go on myluvs…you remain in my heart forever and ‘til my last breath. Just go and be free. I LOVE YOU!

I'm almost there...

Almost lang..muntik na akong mapunta sa lugar nyo kasi nawala kami..malayo na pala ang narating nmin lumagpas na kami. Well, anyway bumalik sa alaala ko tuloy ang nangyari last year hehehe. Naalala ko ang daldal ko noong nagkausap kami ng mama mo at isa sa mga kaibigan natin...subrang daldal ko kaya', pero alam mo ba kung bakit ako nagkaganoon dahil subrang tense ko noon, kinakabahan ako para akong temang hehehe. Hindi ko nga alam bakit ako ganoon...kaya idinaan ko nalang sa daldalan para hindi mahalata. Tabudot kasi...pupunta-punta doon huhuhu. Anyway naalala ko lang... Alam mobang gusto kitang e-hug noong pumasok ka...noong sumunod ka sa akin pero pinigilan ko lang sarili ko, at pumasok naman si friend...alam nya kasi hehehe. Iwan ko basta ang sarap sa pakiramdam pag nayakap kita. Buti nalang pag-uwi nmin at least na hug kita kahit papano. Gusto ko ring puntahan ko ang kaisa-isang lugar sa bahay nyo na hindi ko makalimutan pero nahihiya naman ako para akong sira...ayyy iwan. Hanggang ngayon hahayy tabudot parin ako. Noong pagpasok ko naman sa bahay ng friend natin nandoon ka yakapin sana kita pero tinablan ako ng hiya huhuhu. Kurimao kasi buti nalang kaya ko ang sarili ko para hindi masyadong halata ang kaba nahiga ako sa upuan. Ohh, at least malaki ang upuan kaya kong magtago doon.

Can i hug you???????????

ANg layo muna pala dina kita marich hehehe. Grabeh subrang layo muna talaga. Mag-ingat ka dyan...Kahit minsan ay di kita nakalimutan. Just be happy 'yon lang ang gusto ko para sayo and be healthy. Kahit saan kaman mapunta nandito ka parin naman di nman yon mabubura. Someday kung magkita man tayo ganoon parin alam ko di na yon magbabago, it is already proven na kahit anong gawin ko years man ang lumipas mananatili ka parin kahit pa seguro may sarili kanang pamilya mananatili yon...magkasama ang pagmamahal at respeto ko sayo...salamat dahil nararamdaman ko yon sayo...salamat sa respeto mo at buong buhay akong magpapasalamat sayo.

Kumusta kana kaya, la na akong balita sayo...Salamat nga pala sa tawag noong kasagsagan ng you know na, dahil sa concern mo at sa mga taong may pakialam sa akin naging ok ako. SALAMAT

DUMATING DIN...KAYA KO NA!

Dumating din, kaya ko na pero naalala parin kita.Talaga palang darating ang panahon na wala na ang sakit, that you just reminisce the past without fear and without pain..just be true to yourself. Ako bago ako naging ganito, binalikan ko lahat ang dapat balikan, inaalala ko lahat ang gusto ko nang maburang alaala, kinausap ko ang mga taong iniiwasan ko noon at binalikan ang mga lugar na kinatakotan kung balikan noon at nagawa ko yon dahil din sa tulong nya at sa tulong ng mga kaibigan namin. Noong una hindi ko inisip na ganito ang kinalabasan basta nagawa ko lang yon. Malaking tulong ang blog na ito dahil dito ako nagsimula...nasabi ko dito ang lahat ng sakit...Iiyak ako habang nagsusulat or tinatype ang mga nasa alaala ko at sumunod ang mga lugar at mga tao. 'yong makakasama mo ang mga kaibigan nyo before na casual lang ang lahat, na hindi ka kinakabahan, 'yong nakakasama ko siya na walang kabang nararamdaman at nagawa ko yon. Thanks sa lahat... Sa mga taong nasaktan at nabigo, time will come that pain will be gone, just forgive yourself for the work undone and accept your failures coz there.. you will learn to grow and moved on. Maybe not at that moment that you were hurt'n but time will come and nobody can say when or how basta it will just come. In my case nine long years bago ko na feel that there's no pain anymore that i can reminisce the past with a smile in my face. Though you can't forget dahil hindi naman talaga nakakalimot ang isip at puso pero masaya, masaya mong balikan ang alaala.

Ever since you never had me and I never had you, there's no me and you.. pero bakit kaya kagulo ng puso di maintindihan. Hahayy nandito na naman ako hingahan ng damdamin ang blogs na ito...kagulo kasi. Talagang boy friend ka lang, hindi boyfriend. Diba magkaiba 'yon hehehe. Kasamok lagi... But God has reason...everything has reason. We back many years ago I'm praying that God will heal the pain and God answer my prayer and now there's no pain anymore pero nandito ka parin. Ano kayang pueding mangyari na wala na talaga, hindi ko nman kasi maintindihan ang puso ko. Ok naman ako, maganda nman ang buhay ko. Hahayy, kung kaya palang sagutin ng isip ang mga tanong ng puso, magkaiba kasi sila..Kahit pa seguro sabihin mo sa harap ko na hindi mo nman ako minahal kahit kailan..ay talagang hindi mawawala..Tanga kasi ang puso ahaha. Masasaktan lang seguro ang puso pero hindi mawawala. Kaya seguro 'yong iba paulit-ulit nang sinaktan ay nandyan parin. Martir baga. Pero hindi na uso ngayon ang martir panahon pa yan ng lola ko. well, anyway we just only have one life...and life is so short...so let's enjoy living. BE HAPPY!

Munting Pangarap

Thanks for the gift of life, for giving me Lord another inspiration to go on living. I am now happy and contented with my life.... i just want to work hard for my family and for the future of my two babies...Thank you for bringing them into my life. They are my inspiration. Thank you so much.. I am so thankful Lord for all your blessings in life. Thank you for the good health of Louie and Xam, for the gift of life, for the love & support of their father, for my house, for my car, for the gift of life that keeping me alive, for the money that i've spent in my whole life, for my safe travel everyday, for the food that we eat, for the water that we drink and for the air that w breath....and many more to be thankful... Though my babies Lord has a problem coz my blood is not compatible with my husband blood..my first baby has Henoch–Schönlein purpura vasculitis...LORD I NEED YOU IN OUR LIFE..but they are so pretty and handsome..HELP ME GOD Pangarap ko ang gumaling sila sa anumang sakit mayroon sila ngayon...and live a long life.

Sabi nila "sa  BUHAY marami kang pueding MAHALIN pero iisa lang ang iyong IIBIGIN"

Marami akong naging pagkakamali sa buhay pero kung sa mga pagkakamali ko pipili ako ng isa na ipinagpasalamat, yon ang minsan nagdisisyon ako...isang desisyon na subrang sakit noon pero nagpapasalamat ako dahil sa maling yon nagkaroon ako ng another inpiration in life. He gave me reason enough to go on living...sila ang naging inspirasyon ko sa buhay ngayon at kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay lalong naging matatag ako...nagpapasalamat ako dahil sa pagkakamaling iyon nagkakaroon ako ng courage that made me strong to face the reality in life. Natoto akong tumayo sa sarili ko at maging independent sa buhay na kaya ko ang buhay na walang sasandalan at aakay sayo. Na wala kang aasahan iba kung hindi sarili mo.

Nagmahal lang ako at walang masama sa magmahal...ang masama kung dahil sa pagmamahal na iyon nasira  ang buhay mo. Nagdesisyon ako..walang masama sa pagdedesisyon mali man o tama bastat hindi mo lang hahayaang masira ang buong buhay mo ng dahil sa desisyong iyon. Ito ang natutunan ko sa pinagdadaanan ko sa buhay

As i recall the year 2013 lahat po ng experience ko ay tragic...nakakatakot akala ko katapusan na ng aking buhay. Nandyan na 'yong Panaad 2013 tragedy, na akala ko katapusan na ng buhay ko. Sa isip ko handa naba ako kung matapos ang buhay ko dito, pero sa panahong iyon hindi pa ako handa. Tapos noong muntik ng macarnap sasakyan ko na nanlaban ako. Sa isip ko kailangan kung maging hnda dahil kahit anong oras pueding mawala ang buhay ko.

Kagabi nanagiip na naman ako sayo pero ang kagandahan lang hindi na masakit sa puso, nandoon na ang acceptance magaan na sa puso. I knw this year is another fruitful year and a bountiful year with the guidance of God.

Today I'm facing another chapter of my life... to the people who believes in me, trust in me, & loves me...THANK YOU. To my friend who are there through thick & thin, and to you, THANK YOU.

For the past relationship that I have, for the past memories, for all the hardship that we have encountered and go on, for the emotional and support you have imparted, for the sacrifices that we have in our work before, that we fight the relationship even work would be gone just for the sake of it, you sacrifice your work for the sake of us....for the hope that you gave when I’m feeling down and for the pain that I have suffered..  All I can say is that “THANK YOU” for everything that you’ve done to me. Thank you for lifting me up when I’m falling down.

            All of us commit mistakes and sometimes “di katanggap – tanggap ng tao” but remember nobody knows what the best for you except yourself. As long us you feel good and comfortable then go on, sometimes we care what the other could ever say but remember “ di ka’man matangap ngayon” time will come wounds will be healed. As long as you think and feel that you’ll be happy, that you will never regret someday.

            Only one thing I learned from you “too much love will not be enough for the relationship to stay”. One – fourth of my minds believe “Love has an end, it will fade away”. I'm not sure...

Hirap naman kung hindi kayo compatible ng partner mo, kailangan mong makisama, kailangan maging ok.. in order to maintain peace and order in your family. Mahirap talaga dahil hindi ako makakakuha ng comfort sa kanya kung nagkamali ka kasi mas lalo kang naging mali...kung naghihingalo kana...mamatay ka nalang...na sana mabubuhay ka pa. Mahirap na kailangan mong harapin dahil nandyan na at ayaw ko rin namang masira ang pamilya ko...kaya sacrifice to the max na to. Buti nalang di kami laging magkasama kasi baka diko kaya.

Sa panahon kasing kailangan mo ng taong karamay mo dahil...yon nga nangyari ang isang pagkakamali gasgas ang sasakyan ko kahapon. Medyo mali lang talaga ang pasok ko, minsan naman kasi dito sa amin yong mga traffic light minsan mayroon minsan wala...maling akala aminado nman akong mali ako kasi nagmamadali ako dahil late na ako sa klase ko...kaya yon nakapagfine ako at gasgas sasakyan ko konti lang naman ang gasgas minor lang. Sinabi ko sa kanya ang nangyari buti nalang seguro hindi ko nalang sinabi...kasi sama ng loob ang nahihita ko. Yon bang mga panahon na kailangan mo ng taong makikinig sayo nasa tama ka man o mali 'yong taong nasa panig mo...eh di mo makukuha sa kanya kasi dapat nag-ingat ka, dapat presence of mine, dapat dika magkamali...eh hindi naman ako perfect eh...buti sana kung ang nagsalita eh perfect eh di nga marunong mag drive..ayyy buhay. Ang sabi ko nangyari na eh, pakinggan mo nalang sana ako nakakamatay ka nman sabi ko. Sabi nya advise lang daw hahayyy...sino kayang gustong madisgrasya patay nga paul walker na subrang expert na noong driver. Magpray nalang, yon lang ang kaya kong gawin na bigyan ako ni Lord ng presence of mine at saka gabayan niya ako sa bawat byahe ko, to keep me safe...

Noong nmang montik nang macarnap sasakyan ko, sabi nman niya sa susunod mag ingat ako...hahayyy di bali nalang seguro talagang ganyan siya. Ganyan ang personality niya...minsan kaya kung intindihin kaso minsan nakakainis naman. Buhay nga nman...

Tingin ng tao perfect ang buhay ko, the smile in my face at sa uri ng pamumuhay ko pero panlabas lang yon. Kung anuman ang mayroon ako pinagpasalamat ko yon sa maykapal ng 100% dahil wala ang lahat ng ito kung hindi dahil sa Dios ng may gawa. Lahat ng tinatamasa ko ngayon ay dahil yon sa sikap at binuhos kung mga oras at sa awa ng Dios.

Isa pang kinainis ko ha! Ok lang sa akin na ako ang magdrive ng sasakyan ko habang papuntang hospital dahil medyo makakaya pa yan pero 'yong sabihing ako rin magdrive pauwi pagkatapos kung maglabor ay iba na yon, gusto ba nyang mamatay ako pagkatapos? O talagang insensitive lang siya or talagang nagkulang ang mama nya sa pagpapalaki sa kanya hindi kaya ako robot dear sabi ko sa kanya. Or baka subra lang ang believe niya sa akin hehehe na kaya kung maging robot, tao kaya ako. Or talagang hindi lang niya ako mahal..hindi nman seguro huhuhu....hahayyy buhay nga naman or gusto nyang mapadali ang buhay ko. Mahirap pero lahat ng ito ay dinaan ko sa tawa kasi masisira ang buhay ko, para akong timang kung seryosuhin ko lahat kaya ito sa blog ko nalang binuhos.

Alam mo bang minsan naiisip ko parin kung paano kaya kung hindi mo sinabi sa akin noon na huwag kitang gawing dahilan...kasi noong mga panahong 'yon ikaw talaga ang dahilan kung bakit ayaw kung ituloy... pero naunahan mo ako kaya sa isip ko noon ginulo mo ang isip at puso ko. Paano kaya kung nakaya kung harapin at iurong ang lahat. Paano kaya kung talagang nagawa kung gawin kitang exit noon pero ikaw naman talagang gusto kung gawin exit dahil ginulo mo buhay ko, isip at puso ko. Sa ngayon lahat nalang paano kaya dahil hindi na puede. Tanggap ko narin pero minsan lang sumasagi parin sa isip ko.

Alam ko and i realized that God has a plan kung bakit hindi ka parin mawala sa isip at puso ko dahil ito ang totoo at dahil God loves me he let me experience the real feeling of Love regardless of who you are...and he let me realize also that i need to pass this way coz this is his way. God loves me the way i am...hindi 'yong conditional love. He let me also experience conditional love to let me differentiate the two. Masarap sa pakiramdam na minsan nagmahal ka ng totoo.

"AS LOVE GROWS IN YOU, BEAUTY GROWS TOO, FOR LOVE IS THE BEAUTY OF THE SOUL"

Noong mga time na gusto kung iwan ang syudad dahil na stress na ako ang daming mga bagay na nangyari na hindi ko gusto, suffocated na ako masyado gusto kung pumunta sa lugar na malayo o kahit sa bukid na walang nakikilala... naisip ko ang buhay mo sa inyo. Bakit ba nman kasi noong paman sa simula palang nito gusto kung ikaw ang gawin kung exit...ang sarap sa feeling kapag kasama ka, parang ang gaan ng mundo. Yakap mo ang sagot sa lahat ng anxiety ko sa buhay...ay iwan hindi ko rin alam...huwag munang alamin diko nga alam hayaan muna. Mga bagay na mahirap ipaliwanag in words pero madaling maintindihan ng puso.

November 12, 2013

Its really a horrible day for me... I can't imagine my face the moment when someone tried to carnap my car. I said carnap coz there's no reason why someone's trying to get in my car attempted to choke and hold my shoulder so tightly that i come up struggling to get out my car shouting for help...To the people who was able to heard my voice - THANK YOU, to the tricycle driver who stopped their tricycle that coz traffic in the road that causes the man run and released me..THANK YOU, to mommy Mae who assisted me while i am trembling, look so pale, when i can't talk coz i'm so nervous - THANK YOU, to the police who investigate - THANK YOU, to my concerned friend and to you THANK YOU for calling...even just to hear your voice is enough.  And above all to God Almighty that he never left me, he is always guiding me everyday, every minute of my life, every seconds he is there. The presence of mine, energy to fight...and for making me strong. I AM SO GRATEFUL